to say i love you right out loud.

My life is abundantly full of love today. But looking back, there's never really been a year that it hasn't been. Even in the occasional dark times, I had my family, my girlfriends, my sisters. I'm not sure how I got so lucky in this regard, sometimes I feel deserving of it, and other times I don't.

Since Jeremy has been in my life, I've experienced a love that I didn't know existed. I knew that this sort of intense unconditional love existed. I know my parents love me in this way. But it wasn't felt by me until welcoming Jeremy into my life as my husband, my partner. I've never felt like I belonged on a team until I joined with him. It's very difficult to describe my feelings about this marriage in anyway that doesn't sound like a total cliche. But in short- it's a quiet comfort, a trust I have in him, a trust he has in me. It's pure peace.

Along with the joy of "I've never had so much love!" comes the parallel fear of "I've never had so much to lose!". Most weeks I spend at least several hours being paralyzed in anxiety and fear that any point something random could happen and it could all be taken away- knowing that my state of perpetual happiness is at risk due to potential car wrecks or kidney failure or earthquakes. This is a pointless fear, I know that. I can't play God, or universe, or stash everyone I love in a protective box. I'm working on managing it. The only solution that has worked in the anxiety? Stop. Breathe. Close my eyes, and praise God for the gift of now - the perfectness in the present. I need to do that more.

...

My sister Amy called me today and said that she was attending a funeral for their old neighbor James. I didn't know James. I know that James would smile and wave at me when I came and left. I know that James loved Diddles (my sisters amazingly fat lovable one-eyed cat) and that if Diddles was missing he was probably cuddled up with James on his back patio. I know that James has a facial deformity that caused him to never want to leave his house. I know that after he died, his neighbors discovered that he had no running hot water, and no one knows how long he went without it. I know he's being buried today by a nephew who flew in to handle his estate and is anxious to "wrap things up quickly" so he can get home, back to his family.

I guess I share all this because as much as I love this holiday, as much as I LOVE love, I'm also keenly aware of all the people who go without it every single day. I'm aware that sometimes all it takes is a little effort to make a huge difference in someones life. I can do better. I have an abundance to share. Most of us do. Can't we all try just a little bit harder to be kind, be loving, extend a hand or contribute to someone who is lacking hot water, who needs their sidewalk shoveled? Yes. But this solves only half of the issue.

As prideful people in 2012, we have perfected our ability to suffer in silence. Will we ever be able to warp back to a level of comfort in our community about speaking up for our own needs without the fear of being judged, and without being judged.

"I'm struggling to pay my water bill this month."

"My marriage is really hurting right now."

"I'm depressed and I don't know how to get better."

I don't want to lose hope in the power of sharing, the power of a loving community. Maybe I just need to simply ask more... "And how are YOU? Really? What can I do?" What would that even feel like to be able to answer that question honestly- and to know that even though you may not get the answer or solution, you will receive an open ear, a hug, a moment of love.

So today... slow down, breathe in the present, and in the immortal words of Delilah (haha)... LOVE SOMEBODY.

Happy Valentines Day.

happy birthday, my dear friend.

This is Alison. Today is her birthday. Even though these are a little cheesy, I thought it would be fun...

A - Always. always my friend, always making me laugh, always on the other end of the phone line.

L- Love. loves her cats, loves her man, loves to travel, loves to be a girly girl. loves me. loves LOVE.

I- Inspiring. knock her down and she'll get right back up. she inspires others to do the same.

S- Sweet. Sweetest girl I know. But don't let that fool you. Maybe I should've used "Sassy" instead.

O- Optimistic. I've never met someone who can see the 'bright side' quite like Miss Anders.

N- Naughty. Have you not seen Alison's mischievous side? You really, really should.

Alison- you've been such a dear friend to me for over two years that the term "friend" doesn't even cut it for you anymore. I love you like a sister. I can't wait to see what 2012 holds for you and your bad ass 31 year old self.

Now... go 'Treat Yo Self' with some cocktails tonight. Can't wait to celebrate with you over a hibachi grill.

(God how i love this show...)

a more reasonable focus.

I read this in a blog last week and it couldn't have come at a better time...

"Now that I feel like I have more balance in my life, I'm learning how to be more present. I am one of those people that is always looking forward to the next step, always saying "Won't life be great when..." That is so damaging! My dad once told me that the secret to happiness in life is to be conscious of what is uniquely great about your current situation and put your focus there."

Oh man... amen, sister, preach it! I, too, often tell myself... "won't life be great when..."

When we ... buy a house, launch our business, have no debt, lose 12 pounds, take the trip to Bali.

I guess I can start with trying to take the bloggers advice... So what is great about our current situation? I can think of some things:

- Living in Colorado: I think I've somehow lost the elation I felt when I moved to Denver. What was once exciting is now just our normal life, and I've neglected to appreciate the positives of what living in Denver offers. I'm not sure how or when this happened, but it seems like I'm at this place that I think every city is better than this one. SO not true. We live in a ridiculously ideal neighborhood that allows us to be a one car family and walk to neighborhood eateries, bars, shops, post-office, grocery and whatnot. Jeremy can take the light-rail to work every day, allowing him to read and listen to music and not be in traffic, and allowing me to have my husband around more. We have about every type of landscape available to us and within a 4 hour drive (besides large bodies of water, which is why every trip we take we HAVE to get to water!). The air is fresh and people are nice. All good things!

-Paying off debt: Considering the unemployment rate and the economic situation, paying off debt is a luxury we have only because we have decent jobs that we've managed to hold onto for over 6 years, plus our rent is low. But paying off debt is so painful. It feels like you're sending a big check away to nothing. Has anyone else been through this? I know it's going to something... but to things and experiences that have already passed. It's overwhelming to me that we have at least 21 months to go until no car payment, no student loans... nothing, but still... that seems so far away!

Since we started Dave Ramsey's plan, we've been able to put almost $1800 a month into our debt. That's such a big amount, but one we've gotten so use to paying that I can't even imagine what it will feel like for that to be open money. For now- all i can think of is what a cute house we could afford with all that dough. But where does my focus need to be? On being full of gratitude that we are able to pay off debt and still afford a cute dress and a date night here and there... what a luxury! (side note: we do not share the same politics as dave ramsey, but i can still listen to that mans podcast every single day and not get sick of him. love me some D.R! He called someone a "butthole" a few months ago. Who calls someone a "butthole" past 6th grade? That's why he's awesome. Plus- the plan is simple, but good, if you need to get control of your money)

Vacations, anywhere: Because I've been able to do a fair share of traveling, I easily lose sight of what a vacation really is. A vacation is trip anywhere fun that isn't home (30 minutes or 30 hours away). We take a good amount of weekend trips and yet I am still whiny as hell about not getting to travel internationally enough. What a white whine!

Last night we had a nice big talk about our honeymoon/1 year anniversary extravaganza trip- what we want to spend vs. what is reasonable. Because we're trying so hard to get the debt off our shoulders, any extra cash we spend on something that isn't essential has to go to debate. For one of the first times EVER, I was the one that voted to not go on a crazy expensive trip. Jeremy said "Oh- I'm so proud! My Jewishness has rubbed off on you!"

Now we'll have to get creative with ways to celebrate our 1 year anniversary and the honeymoon we never took. We might still go somewhere, but not to Bali and Japan... not right now, at least. And ultimately, if we're together having fun, can't anywhere be magical? (Except Disney World... don't listen to the lies! It's not magical!)

So yeah... we don't own a home. And because of that I can't buy all the wallpaper and vintage items and paint my kitchen hot pink. We can't travel like some of our friends do and our passports will stay moderately empty for now. And we feel broke... and will continue to feel broke for the next two years.

But life is so good for us everyday. Good food on the table, faithful friends always on the other end of the phone or in person, a lovely (although small) place to live and a loving partner to share it all with. that is what is great about our current situation and i'm working to put my focus right there, where it belongs.

congrats from across the world.

This afternoon Jeremy sent me a sweet comment from our wedding video that took us here...

11.6.11 from Joachim Wemel on Vimeo.

I left a comment and later got this email from Joachim & Ayco- "We are together for almost ten years now, and have two wonderful kids. We had been thinking about getting married for years, but it wasn't until we saw your video that we really made up our minds to do it this way. Thank you for inspiring us, and giving us the courage to do it. We're so happy."

I am not anti big weddings, but I am appreciating the practical weddings and elopements more and more. I know my feelings come from being in the industry and seeing what kind of cash people drop, but more than that- it's the shift in focus of what a wedding commitment really means and how it's handled. Don't get me wrong- I see huge elaborate weddings that still maintain romance and sanity, but so many times the bride and groom are far more zoned in on the way a table is set than the time they spend together on their wedding day. Bums me out.

I've asked myself a couple of times this year "hummm... maybe we should've done the wedding thing?" But seeing Joachim and Ayco's video makes my heart race and reminds me of all the reasons why it was right for us.

In other news, I am 7 years old when it comes to my love of a water slide.

happy half anniversary, jeremy.

Remember those two crazy kids in this picture?

That ran off to San Francisco 6 months ago today, picked up some flowers, then a cake and went to City Hall and got married?

I love those two.

They make good decisions.

I will never regret a single day or experience that brought me to 11:23 a.m. (look how happy!) on October 18th, 2010.

Cheers to the best days of our lives.

disclaimer: we're newlyweds. we're allowed to be this cheesy for the first year.

jessica.

This is my dear friend, Jessica.

Several years ago, Jessica changed her beloved sewing room into a bedroom for me when I needed a place to live after leaving my ex. Up to that point, Jessica and I were casual friends, but through the next 6 months, Jessica became something to me that I can't really explain. Looking back to that time in my life, I'm just not sure how I would've made it without her. It was the most difficult and transitional time in my life, but Jessica made things so much better. I've joked before that moving in with Jessica saved my life. Maybe that's a dramatic statement, but I can confidently say it saved my spirit.

Last week I was in Nashville for work and stayed a night with Jessica back in my old room. It brought back so many feelings for me, but what was striking was the overwhelming feeling of comfort. Everything about Jessica's house is lovely to me. It's bright, breezy, peaceful, and natural. I think what I like the most about it, though, is that everything in her home has a purpose. I just wanted to share a few photos so you can see what I mean- she can make the most simple, old items so very beautiful.

I just love this old wooden crate that serves as a table and also as a nook for George!

I wanted to steal this and run out the door with it before Jessica woke up. A vintage Tennessee flour sack that Jessica made as a little curtain above her kitchen sink. me loves!

Jess is the queen of healthy snacking. Here she's made herself a little ball jar collection of yummy treats of course with a list of other healthy items she needs. I use to love reading her lists when I lived with her.

My favorite- love the color. and i would just pee myself if i found a map of tennessee like that one.

I took some film photos yet to be developed of other nooks around jessicas. can't wait to get them back and save them in a box of things that made me feel good.

love you, miss cheatham. and a happy belated birthday to you.

p.s.- look at this amazing picture of jessica's parents on her wall. LOVE!!!

wedding invite.

Just realized that I never shared our amazing wedding invitations... which turned into wedding announcements. I just loved them so much!

and then the announcement. still not totally accurate... with the boots, and kitties and farm scene, but like hell I was going to watch the money invested in the illustration go totally down the drain.

nerd fest 2011

I leave tomorrow for the Nonprofit Technology Conference held in Washington D.C. this year. As much as I'm not stoked about being away from Jeremy and the kitties for 8 days, I am CRAZY excited about geeking out and hopefully partying with 1,900 other nerds.

This is my first time at this conference and from what I can tell through Twitter and the forums, NTC is amazing for networking (god how i hate that term) but especially for the happy hour good times. Looks like a lot of people are coming direct from SXSW to D.C. which means technology AND music nerds... ahhhh my favorites.

Just wanted to share some tweets I've seen come through for the conference...

• You'll be pleased to know that I managed do get my laundry done at the hotel before heading to #11NTC tomorrow. #cleanclothessmellbetter

• Really hoping the @HiltonWash wifi is stellar for the #11ntc this weekend. We heard the signal was spotty at sxsw.

• my supervisor and #11NTC first-timer said, re: all the invite we're getting: "I didn't know this was such a party!" -- she's on to us!!

• So many nonprofit tech people will be traveling from#SXSW to #11ntc we should have leased a private jet "Geeks on a Plane"

• NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT! #SXSWi #11NTC

Sad face that I'm missing #11NTC this year. A great conference for those w/ passion for #nonprofits and #technology. Le sigh

So why am I blah blah blahing about a work conference? CAUSE I'M THAT LONELY. Working from home is both awesome and not-awesome. I love the independence and the amount of work/life balance (again, hate that term) that comes with being a remote employee. But seriously- it's lonely as hell. I miss chatting about the weekend, grabbing lunch, break-room chatter, even the birthday cards that are passed around in an unmarked folder for everyone to sign.

So this little conference is a break from the quiet of working from home. A chance to actually get dressed! And shower! And talk to people who love their jobs and coffee and beer! And the internet! And yes, I'm a little too excited about it. See why I need to get out of the house more?

These are my peoples.

Come nerds, let's party and tweet about it.

longest day ever.

omg holy shit today was the longest day of my life. more on today and the past four days later, but for now just wanted to share that i totally yelled at someone when exiting the plane tonight. No joke- YELLED. Ugh. I am a monster!

but for reals- you are TOTALLY an asshole if you don't de-plane in a nice orderly fashion*. I'm sorry you checked in late and got the shittiest seat on the plane, but come on! No cheaters! We all are tired and want to be home, but you can't cut in front of grandma!**

*only exception is if you are in high risk of missing a connecting flight. but nights like tonight, when there are no more flights to be caught- you're just being a dick.

**white whine... i know.

'worth a buy' says emo girl.

Once upon a time i was a little emo college student... if you don't believe me, just look at this "self-portrait" i took and developed for one of my photo classes junior year.

see... told ya.

anyhow, during those emo college years i had a friend whose boyfriend was the drummer for an amazing band named imaginary baseball league. no really- they were super good and not just in that, "dude, my friend is in this awesome band that you should totally check out" kinda way.

i clearly remember being all torn up in love with this dude who cheated on me with some girl he met in line to buy a radiohead album (ugh). i spent an entire weekend in my college apartment bedroom listening to this song on repeat wondering WHY... WHHYYYYYY, crying, drawing broken hearts on myself. ha.

fast forward ten-ish years... the singer from that band, Aaron Robinson just released a new EP that I think you should all go listen to and purchase (you name the price through the site). Man... i really love it, and his voice takes me back to the time in my life when my biggest worry was what kite to buy to fly around on campus on those lazy summer days. oh, and to make sure i had enough money left over after said kite purchase to buy a couple of PBR tall boys.

those were the days.

(favorite IBL songs... heiress , a lot to say, posing for stills, from Arkansas with love)

worth a read...

Here are a couple of interesting articles worthy of a read that I wanted to share.

The first, a Huffington Post article from Sunday called Why You're Not Married. Man... this article is brutal, but there is a good deal of uncomfortable truth to it. Obviously, it can't apply to every unmarried woman, but I do have never-married friends creeping on 35 to 40 who want desperately to get married, yet find endless flaws in each decent man they date. Like her points or not, it will at least provide some laughs.

Second, this GQ article about the current life of Billy Ray Cyrus. A sad yet poignant look into Billy Ray's life as a father and a soon-to-be divorcée dealing with what obviously is a good deal of depression and confusion. He's candid about his regrets and at the end you just want to drive over to Franklin, TN and give him a big old hug.

weddings one and two of 2011

Thought I'd start posting about each wedding I work on in 2011, just for the sake of showing what takes up many of my weekends. The photographers photos always show the work much better than my lil iPhone, so today I'll just show a couple.

Wedding 1 - Grant Hyatt Denver - colors or theme... all over the place. I'm calling it "colors galore".

I'm not dissing this bride. In fact, I was one of these brides and would've been if we hadn't eloped. This is the bride that has looked at too many wedding magazines and blogs and never quite decides what direction she wants to go in. First- vintage circus. Then- tea party. Next- alice in wonderland. Last- rainbow party. The result? All of the above. The signage was highly circus influenced, the centerpieces were teacup arrangements, the candy bar was a bit of it all, and the bouquets were rainbow. In the end- it all looked really super cute, but disjointed.

Wedding 2- Boettcher Mansion - Golden, CO - colors or theme- winter classic- black, whites, red.

This was a small floral order and very pretty. Bouquets were white hydrangea covered in white anemones. Beautiful! Brides flowers were classic red roses with deep red ti-leave loops. Centerpieces were super simple- white ikea vases with red winter berries (affordable and in season!). I only took one photo, but I'll post more when the photographer shares.

contentment.

its a peaceful snowy sunday here. I'm sitting on the floor by my record player, listening to one of my very favorite albums on vinyl. jeremy is asleep on the couch behind me, penny asleep in his arm nook. his hand is resting on my shoulder and you couldn't pay me anything to move it.

I hope you all are having the type of Sunday that you want.

I couldn't have dreamed up a better Sunday for myself.

farm dreaming on such a winters day.

Our real estate agent friend always keeps a look out for houses that fit our price-range and might be an amazing deal. The main problem is that Jeremy and I want a farm, and you just don't really get that in Colorado for $200 to $300K.

She just sent us a new listing she thought we might like. I think Jeremy pretty much nailed our thoughts.

Sorry, Janet. :(

best of.

I co-designed for around 12 weddings this year with Cori. 90% of them were a total delight but there are were a few brides that were hard pressed to stay true to their own "bridal vision". By "bridal vision" I mean PINKS. A LOT OF PINKS. BABY NURSERY, 1980's, MARY KAY LADY PINK. (although there was this ONE wedding that chose pinks and even though the look wasn't my thing, it was absolutely beautiful and classic)

It never ceases to amaze me when a bride has a $2K + budget and could have her pick of wild flowers, berries, seasonals, fruits, beautiful flowers- and then chooses pink expensive roses. But... c'est la vie.

I just wanted to share my absolute very favorite of the year in regards to overall style, flowers, and choices in vendors. I'm not going to blab on about her selections, because these photos by Tyler Jones tell it better than I can describe.

Working in the wedding industry is funny. Sometimes I wonder if it drove me to eloping. About 30-40% of the weddings I work on I walk away feeling uneasy about the impending marriage. But this couple left me with a different feeling entirely. The best sign- all the laughter and fun they were having. And being able to just go-with-the-flow despite the insane wind that forced them to move to an indoor reception last-minute, which is a real heart-breaker for a couple that chose an amazing outdoor venue.

Oh yeah- I can't let the moment pass without mentioning that Jeremy Crantek himself put together that amazing dessert bar with the floating letters. Props to my man who is learning the trade quite well.