saturation point

I remember this same feeling when the Tsunami hit, as Katrina rolled out, after the Haiti earthquake, and now, my beloved Tennessee. I hate to say it's more substantial to me, but you know, it's my home.

Sitting on my couch with Penny, drinking (possibly chugging) a glass (or three) of wine, flipping through channel after channel hoping some national news program will show something, anything, about the southern floods. Frustrated, I turn it off. I don't know what to do, so I sit there and notice the sun flowing in through my windows and warming up my home, flowers all a'bloom outside, and in a very bizarre way, I'm annoyed. I just want to be home in Tennessee.

Now, I'm a smart girl, and I know the "there's nothing you can really do" argument. I gave what money I could. But the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming to me.

I know that I am now at my saturation point. The enormity of the situation there, with me being here, is starting to affect (effect? why can't i ever get this right?!) me to a point that I need some distance.

Jeremy and I are leaving on Saturday for a much needed, not so-cheap, vacation to the Virgin Islands, and I need to get in the right frame of mind. I need this vacation, but Jeremy REALLY needs it- he hates his job, and this trip has been a bright thing for him to look forward to for months. He needs me to be fully present, drink in hand and a cheesy little smile on my face, not the April that I've been this week. He's been so sweet, but I can't expect him to get it 100%, it's not his hometown.

I hope I can start to leave it in the back of my mind, just for one week. Leave the guilt behind, too.

But it's just so hard...

Nashville, I've never been so proud of you. I've been watching as neighbors help neighbors, strangers help families, volunteer lists fill up in a matter of minutes. You are banding together. It's that spirit that makes me think that you truly are where I belong. And certainly that I need to go ahead and get that dirty south tattoo.

See you in a few weeks, Nashville. I can't wait to give you a big old wet kiss.

on missing the south:

days like today, when the air in colorado is about 15 degrees cooler than I like to spend my April, and I notice that I don't hear the buzz of bees, or smell the bradford pears, these are the moments where I really miss tennessee.

I see photos like these on friends blogs...











...and the longing hits me like a ton of bricks.

I'm not saying Colorado ain't lovely. I mean, those Rockies are something else. And it's hard for me to complain about the lack of allergies, bugs, humidity and such, but still... it's just not the same.

I'm so thankful that Jeremy is from the South and understands this need for front porches, lightening bugs, sticky skin, and mostly, the company of family and friends on a perfect 75 degree evening.

As much as I love it here, and it feels like home 90% of the time, those perfect southern spring days definitly leave me with an aching that I can't really explain.

But y'all down there in Tennessee, you get it. Now, please go clip some dogwood or forsythia branches and put them on your table for me.

I'm gonna go put on some Drive By Truckers now and stop the whining.

to my younger self:

Dear April,

There are so many things I’d like to tell you, but you’re far too consumed with rock shows, biking around town, and trying to juggle school, work, and a boyfriend (or two) to listen for very long. So, I’ll keep this simple.

The next 10 years are going to fly by. Right now you think by the time you reach 30 that you’ll be a big time attorney, married with a couple of kids. Oh my dear, you couldn’t be more far off. Hold onto your hat, because your 20’s are going to be bumpy.

To get this out of the way, first things first-

Just call mom. She’s freaking out and you don’t answer the apartment phone or your cell. You’re too far away, and all she needs to know is that you got home safe from the party you shouldn’t have been at to begin with. A small effort on your part will mean the world to her right now. Remember, you’re the baby. One day you’ll love that family title.

Now, more important things-

Try your hardest to be a woman of integrity. I know you’ve been shown that sometimes it’s easier just to tell a little white lie or two. That’s false. Telling the truth is always the best thing to do. It may not be easy at times, and initially, it might hurt someone. In the end, it’s a hell of a lot more comfortable for you and everyone else.

There are going to be a couple of hard moments where you’re at a crossroads, choosing to sacrifice your own potential for the assumed potential of love. Believe it or not, that dude is going to leave you. Not just once, but a couple of times. But you already know that. He doesn’t call you back when he says he will and that little gut reaction when you met his “friend” Natalie, yeah… take the hint. Respect yourself to know you’re worth more. And that your potential alone far exceeds your future together.

I just ask you to learning to listen to your instincts. Often times you deny that initial reaction for the security of choosing not to be alone. I’m telling you, push through it. It’s ok to be alone. You’ll be braver for it, and through the loneliness you will build so much character. That’s a good thing. And surviving those moments will prepare you for the hard times to come.

You are going to make some poor choices. Some very significant poor choices that will leave you wondering who you are and how you got there. April, listen to me: it is ok. Everyone does. Push through the embarrassment and ask for support when you need it the most. Take time to grieve, breathe, read, recreate yourself, and then MOVE. ON. Do not define yourself by the failures or wallow within them.

Please learn to be a better friend. I’m afraid you learn this lesson far too late. And all the friendships you could have salvaged by not being such a flake, remembering birthdays, showing up on time, showing your appreciation for them and simply remembering that it’s not all about you. Later on, you’ll realize that a true friend is worth more gold.

You are going to travel a lot in the years to come. More often than not, you'll be living a little irresponsibly, but having a hellva good time along the way. Soak it all up. Breathe it in. Look around. Take as many mental snapshots you can until you feel like you just head just can't contain any more. Step away from behind the camera. Those pictures are nice, but living in the moment is even nicer. These are some of the best moments of your life, and the memories you're making- you'll think of time and time again.

And April, most importantly, try not to take life so damn seriously. There are serious parts and not so serious parts. It's all about learning to tell the difference, and approaching those moments with an authentic and loving response.

All my love,

me

p.s. – cowboy boots aren’t so appropriate for weddings or funerals. no. really. they aren't.

nightmares

Jeremy's sweetie pie mom sent us an Easter package yesterday. The box was filled with mostly candy and mom-type easter gift things, but then there was THIS...

You know, cause Jeremy plays soccer and I guess he needed a HORRIFYING singing bunny/soccer ball animal that spins?

I feel like it's our equivalent to this:

(SO worth watching)

What in the world do we do with it? She's coming to visit in a month, so it can't just disappear, can it?

CAN IT?

excitement overload.

My birthday has been stressing me out. Not because I'm turning 30... I'm actually THRILLED about that. It's because I've had a grand idea of a birthday vacation in my head for most of this year.

Well it turns out that my birthday falls on Good Friday. And thus smack dab in the middle of Spring Break and one of the busiest, most expensive travel seasons of the year. Also no fun is that air miles and hotel points don't really work around that week either.

BUT, today, I made a wonderful compromise. I wait a month after my birthday, and we go on my dream eco-vacation. DEAL!

So, May 8th to 13th, Jeremy and I will be staying in an eco-tent (more like some swiss-family-robinson treehouse type shit) on the end of St. John in the Virgin Islands. Hiking, snorkeling, drinking, sleeping, reading, and just a little making out behind tented walls. STOKED.

Trunk Bay:
(actually where renee z. married that gay cowboy dude)

View from the Eco-tents:

Inside:

I've always said I'm at least 35% hippie. This might temporarily bump it up to 51%. I'm ok with that.

random.

I was just chatting with Rebecca about something and had a random memory.

In June of 1999 I had a redneck cousin that was on Montel. The show was called "You dissed me in high school, but look at me now!"

She had just gotten new boobs and had been taking quick-trim or something similar for about a year, and honestly, did look quite a bit better than in high school.

They gave her a $250 clothing allowance to buy something nice to wear. she bought a one-piece zebra print jumpsuit with a matching purse.

the end.

this shit is bananas.

Inspired by Kim's ha'larious video today, I thought I'd post something that for some reason I just can't stop watching. Pretty sure Yewknee posted this last week and since then... everyday play. Why do I think this is so funny?

on blogging and the weekend.

At dinner Friday night Jeremy and I were talking about blogs and the pros/cons and such. I was pushing him to start a blog again (not just a Tumblr), and how much I missed his writing about his life, even if he thought the posts were boring. I guess that's the thing about everyday peoples blogs, they may not have show-stopping exciting posts, but neither do 99% of all people that have blogs.

However- I LOVE reading my friends blogs. I enjoy hearing about their lives, what they're crafting, what's baking, and the movies they see. I find them exciting because I relate, and most times I walk away with great ideas and happy to be in the know about their lives.

Anyhow- I'm going to start doing a weekend wrap-up post every week, not because I have anything overly exciting to share, but because it's important to me to have a log about my life. I realized over the weekend that there are huge gaps in my life that just run together. Like from 2001-2003- yeah- no clue. I know that I was in school, working, and drinking lots of PBR, but that's about it. It'd be really awesome and old school of me to write into a real journal, but that's not going to happen. So... here we go! Whee!

Weekend, January 8 to 10

Friday- After work Jeremy and I drove up the road a bit to pick up his VW after a teeny little telephone pole accident that happened a couple of weeks ago. Looks amazing, like better than it ever did thanks to the new trunk and paint job, so we celebrated with whiskey! Headed over to this new pub in the neighborhood which serves lots of Colorado local food and alcohol and is built into the Stranahan's Distillery (i recommend!) The food was amazing, and the jukebox was unbelievable, but so was the dude that wouldn't go away while i was trying to select my songs. He bugged me so much I actually allowed him to use my final few credits which was the wrong move as he played a mix of cliche hair band music. The worst.

Saturday- Cleaned and headed out to find the right filing cabinet so I can start to complete the office redo that Carolyn planned for me. (I got it!) Found a gaggle of other items that I couldn't say no to, so $78 and a globe later...

Ran a few more errands (that may or may not include swinging by a taco stand) and headed home. Had a neighbor pop in and give us some slices of fresh bread from the Farmers Market down the road. Get this: white chocolate lime mint bread. I know- sounds bad. NO! SO GOOD! So good I hopped down there after getting cash to scoop up a couple of loaves. Awesome for my diet. The farmers market was adorable and it just further enforced my desire to have chickens by seeing they do a backyard chicken keeping class. now, i just need a backyard. and some chickens.

Saturday night JC and I met some friends for downtown for dinner and a movie. Unfortunately, we saw Daybreakers.

Afterwards the group headed up to the Peaks Lounge on the top floor of the Hyatt downtown. I'm not really into hotel bars, but the view over denver was remarkable and the drinks looked pretty, but I'm a granny so I had a decaf coffee. Took the light rail home afterwards.

Sunday- Woke up and double checked that TiVo was recording my very favorite TV program then walked to the store for fresh cream and nutmeg. Made JC french toast with the farmers market crack bread and it turned out really lovely. Jeremy pointed out that I'm a freak about meat and eggs being cooked well, and how sometimes it's a little over the top how much I dissect my food to make sure it's done. True and noted.

That afternoon headed out to Sports Authority and then Colorado Ski and Golf in search of the perfect ski pant. And by perfect I mean they zip and I can breathe in them. After almost having a crying fit in the sports authority that even the largest pants felt tight, Jeremy took me away from there and to the other shop. I guess me exclaiming loudly in the middle of the store 'I MEAN, SERIOUSLY! AM I THE BIGGEST GIRL ON THE SLOPES?! REALLY? CAUSE WHERE DO THOSE GIRLS SHOP?! I NEED TO GO THERE." might have signaled I needed to leave. Finally found some awesome pants and almost died at how much they were, but they fit, and sometimes that's all you need to drop the dough.

Ended the weekend with a slice of Famous Pizza and revisiting some LOST episodes in preparation for the last season. Asleep on the couch by 9:00.

2009

2009. from April P. on Vimeo.

2009, so much better than 2008 for me. Friends, family, travel, holidays, kittens!, and lots of love. thanks for being a part of it.



starring... mom, dad, amy, sloan, angy, john, kate, ross, hayden, rebecca, john, ashlie, mattie, caleb, jessica, tyler, jeremy c., colin, sheena, dan, alison, jeff, tim, heidi, sue, nick, marie, matt, tim, jeremy b., lisa, misty, josh, melissa, kyle, tucker, bobby, ramsay, kelly, scott, penny, preacher, sadie, ryleigh, sarah, jonathan, kurt vonnegut, neil young, levon helm, john prine, devotchka, jose cuervo, city park squirell, burt, ernie, salmonella and the two i'v.'s that helped me achieve normal skin tone.

Dear you,

Hi kid. You don’t know me yet, but I made a significant decision for us today, one I’ve been toiling about for a couple of weeks. I decided not to pursue a significant career opportunity.

Some of our friends and family won’t understand why I’m bypassing such a fantastic opportunity, but I don’t really care about out that. This is about us. It’s about knowing that when you decide to make an appearance in my life, I can’t imagine a more significant role for myself than being the best mother I can be to you. For me, that doesn’t include dropping you off at 7 am, and picking you up at 5. It doesn’t involve worrying about making it to your preschool program because I’ll be in Boston presenting at a conference. It doesn’t mean stressing out your dad with the uneven care you’ll receive while I travel 2 months out of the year. It means being committed to giving you the best I can. And not taking this job allows me to offer that to you.

I’ll admit there were a few perks that are painful to walk away from. Topping that list- this job would’ve left us with a considerable amount more dough. I hope you really love Kraft mac and cheese, cause baby boo, we can’t afford the fancy Velveeta shit. But hell… what would we do with that dough?! (god all the things we could do with that dough) But no no- really it’s not about that. And I’ll keep telling myself that.

Quite the opposite. It’s about time together and endless amounts of stress free love. It means I won’t be feeding you while blackberrying, and you won’t have a work distracted mom sporadically reading to you in between answering emails. I’m not going to be perfect. Nor do I expect to be a stay-at-home mom. I love you and all, but yeah- no deal. Not only I am just not one of those amazing women or men that can handle stay at home parenting, but I can't leave the fulfillment I receive through my job. What example would I be if I gave up something I love so much?

And the most important (and fun!) part of me choosing to stay with my Foundation- I have a boss and team of wonderful women that are going to welcome you into my life with love and joy and fun gifts too! They’re going to give me helpful advice when you have a low fever for days, and will pick up the phone and listen to me cry when I’m exhausted. They’ll be the ones to tell me to only work what I can, and to be a mom before an employee. They’ll reinforce that work/life balance is more that a catchy corporate phrase. That it’s about preparing you for the wild world before you, and they’ll help me give you the development skills and love that you’ll need to face it.

And that’s why I’m walking away from that job. It might sound nuts, since you’re nowhere to be seen yet, and I don’t even know when or where you’re coming from (Guatemala?), but to me, it makes all the sense in the world.

My lesson here to you is that sometimes there are things more important than money or advancement. Each human’s vision of their future and life goals are different, and that’s what makes the world so colorful. We have to remember that there are different paths for everyone, and how wonderful that is. For me, it’s about experiencing life at the fullest, eating, drinking, loving, praying,(this sounds like a book! oh wait…), traveling, caring for one another and collecting stories of good times. My vision clearly includes you. And it’s the experience that I’m choosing today.

And when you pester me about wanting the new version of a Nintendo DS, I’ll remind you that “money doesn’t grow on trees” and to suck it up. One day you’ll appreciate the mom vs. money trade-off, and you know… I will too.

Love,
momma

i cannot express the amount of joy this brings me:

I love Paula Deen, but come on now... getting hit in the face with a ham? simply amazing. It's like Christmas came a month early:

roberto's peach salsa

I've always had a love/hate relationship with Salsa. As soon as I start getting into the idea of salsa, a overly spicy/vegetabley jar ruins it all and the walls come crumbing down.

Until I met Roberto... oh Roberto. How you called to me from Isle 5! I fought it, but as I read your description, admired your packaging, then your price sealed the deal. I gave it a shot for love.

And love it was. This is my favorite salsa ever. I love that it's got some spice to it, but not too much that you can't eat it without a glass of water in reach. It's got a peachy taste, but not too peachy. If you didn't know it was called a "peach salsa" you probably wouldn't taste it.















I couldn't find much information online about it, but here is their site. I found it at one of the three zillion Whole Foods stores in Denver. I've looked for it at Safeway and Albertsons with no avail. However, this is one of the few staple items that I put on my list to pick up at Whole Foods, and happy to grab it up for less than $4 a jar. YUM!

an april fool.

I've always disliked April Fool's Day. It's a combination of anticipation of my birthday (tomorrow, whee) but probably more because of an April Fools joke gone terribly ary on April 1st, 1986.

I took gymnastics at this family owned studio in my hometown called "Gym for Him". I only wish the clever name meant a gym for men. But darlin', in middle Tennessee, the "Gym for Him" meant a gym for the glory of Jesus. Because all that balance beam time was really just a testament to our Savior.

Ok, back to the story. So my sister, Amy, our neighbor, Sarah and I all took gymnastics at the same time at the Gym for Him. Sarah and Amy were four years older than me (they were 10 and I was 6) and in kid years, that was a significant difference. Man- i really wanted Amy and Sarah to think I was cool, even possibly funny. April Fools day 1986 coincided with our gymnastics class day. YES. My big chance.

My mom drove us to the Gym for Him and picked up Sarah on the way. Since I was only 6, I'm fairly sure I didn't really get April Fools day. But dammit, I was gonna give it my best. After my class was over, I patiently awaited Amy and Sarah to come out of theirs, all the while trying to construct the funniest, most grand April Fool's joke a tot could muster up. Ahhh ha! I got it!

Finally, Amy and Sarah come into the lobby. Amy asks if mom is here to pick us up yet. Instead of answering her, I run up to Sarah and say:

"Sarah, your mom is dead. She died in a car wreck just now."

I start laughing, but Sarah immediately starts screaming and crying and a brigade of gymnastics instructors rush over. Chaos ensued. The instructors trying to calm her down and running into the front office to see if there REALLY had been an accident. Sometime between Sarah's first shriek and them taking her to the office, I realized that my joke was a total failure, so then I started crying. The following half hour is a little fuzzy. The next thing I remember is having to apologize to Sarah on the drive home, and knowing that I was in a good deal (a great deal) of trouble.

So... not the best April Fools joke, but a solid try.
Nonetheless, I have not attempted another April Fools joke since then.

Sarah West, if you're out there, I'm really sorry about all that.

it's not in the woods and shit.

I have to repost something I just read on dooce.com. Because if any of you have an extended southern family anything like mine, you can imagine overhearing this conversation at pretty much any holiday gathering. she just happened to overhear it on a flight. here goes:


First guy: "Dude, you got Internet where you live?"

Second guy: "Um... what?"

First guy: "The INTERNET! You know, Google and stuff."

Second guy: "Dude, it's 2009. The Internet is everywhere. Of course I have it where I live."

First guy: "It's not everywhere, man. It's not in the woods and shit. They don't run those wires out into the middle of nowhere."

Second guy: "Okay, maybe not in the woods, but most people have access to the Internet."

First guy: "Or out in the ocean. I bet you can't get the Internet on a boat."

Second guy: "Well, see, they make these things where you can access the Internet wirelessly."

First guy: "Wire-what?"

Second guy: "Wirelessly. It works kind of like a cell phone. Do you know what a USB port is?"

First guy: "Dude, whatever. That's all future shit. Sounds like you're speaking Italian."

from avenues to apartments

I am an absolute cliché right now. I'm at the laundry mat, drinking a Slurpee and eating some terribly unhealthy chips that I just got from the 7-11 across the street. If that doesn't scream cliché-loser, I don't know what does. A year ago, I'm not sure if I could have imagined my life changing this drastically.

A year ago...
In the mornings, I use to walk into my luscious yard and cut fresh flowers from the front garden. Now, I am happy as hell just to have some extra cash to buy a bundle of tulips from the grocery. And you know what? Those tulips are magnificent.

I no longer have the conveniences of a washer/dryer, a modern kitchen or even a parking spot. I now have a laundry room down the street. Guess what? It causes me to get out in the neighborhood and chat with folks I would've never otherwise met. My kitchen? It's adequate. You know what? I can still cook just fine. And the parking spot? I am now the champion of parallel parking. Don't challenge me. You'll lose, sucker.

My weekends aren't spent running around, buying groceries, taking care of the pets, buying shit I thought I needed to maintain a house, taking care a yard that was ridiculously large and generally feeling like I don't have the time to fit in the things I needed to manage and take care, just so I could "live". Nope. Things are much simpler now.

My day to day life has changed in a big way. And let be clear- life isn't worse for me, just different. It's taken me 6 months to make that distinction between "worse" and "different", but man- it's a significant change in thinking.



Last week some intuitive feelings of something that was going on through my separation that were finally confirmed. Hearing that confirmation made me sick, then- rejoiceful. It's a bad feeling to have an instinct so strong, just to be told that you were crazy. Aren't instincts and intuition something else? From now on, I'm going to give those gut reactions a solid consideration.

I mention this development because it brought back such a strong memory to my mind- the day I knew that I needed to leave. I laid on my couch in my beautiful living room with our sparkling refinished floors in our adorable 1920's craftsman bungalow- and sobbed for hours. Snotty, ugly, sobbing while repeating to myself the same thing: I want out. I don't care about the stuff, I just want out.

There have certainly been days in the last year that I couldn't believe I gave up the things that mattered so much to me for so long. I have whined about leaving him the house, the pets, the beautiful chandelier (no one liked but me)... even the freaking waffle maker. I have felt like a loser- asking myself- How can I start again from here- my only belongings that fit in a 10x10 storage space?

What I know now: it all just doesn't really matter. None of it. Especially when your intuition is telling you so strongly that for some (or many) reasons, it's just not right.

One day, I'll have the "stuff" again. A home I own, pets, furniture I love, so on. I'll do it all over again. In many ways I already have started. It might not resemble what a home use to mean to me, in fact, it's close to the opposite.

Right now, I'll be thankful to be living the life that I deserve. A life that resembles more of what I dreamed about as a little girl- lots of laughs, good food, pretty flowers, a lumberjack husband and duck children (maybe not ALL of the life I wanted). I'm so thankful to be at the point that I know all of that will come again, and I'm willing to be a little patient for it.

For now, I'm just stoked to have 15 clean panties coming out of my 1.75 dryer.